Only As Smart As You Appear

March 22nd, 2006

Earlier I ran across this article about how to seem smarter, and I think it makes some very good points. Who the hell has time (and money) to actually become smarter. Faking it is WAY easier. This is totally some shit that The Bug and I would come up with. I guess that means that would should have PHDs. We’re already reverends, might as well be doctors too.

(Sample Dialogues Included)

By Jenn Stroud Rossman, Ph.D.

The goal behind this painless four-step plan is to seem smarter without having to read any books, listen to classical music, or depend on crutches like word-of-the-day toilet paper. By making a few minor modifications to your behavior, you will give the impression to those around you that you are smarter–not only smarter than you were before, but, more importantly, smarter than they are.

1. Say Less

Talkative people rarely seem smart. Think of the adjectives that describe them: chatty, garrulous, loquacious. Garrulous has several meanings, including “given to excessive and often trivial or rambling talk”; loquacious means, in part, “apt to blab and disclose secrets.” John Dryden wrote of impetuous youth “who think too little, and who talk too much,” who are “loquacious, brawling, ever in the wrong.” In fact, you can often say more with a gesture or a nod than an entire paragraph replete with quotations from the mid 17th century.

2. Active Listening

This step is a natural extension of Step 1. It involves only a small adjustment to your listening style. When listening to another (talkative, hence less smart) person relate an anecdote, you may find yourself inserting a murmur or an “uh-huh,” encouraging the speaker without intruding upon what they’re saying. Instead, replace “uh-huh” with a brisk nod and the word “sure.” Practice this dialogue with a friend:

FRIEND: So, I was at the mall yesterday. . .

YOU: Sure.

FRIEND: . . . and I thought I’d head over to Abercrombie & Fitch. They were having a sale, plus I find myself drawn to their homoerotic advertising imagery. . .

YOU: Sure.

“Sure” serves much the same conversational purpose as “uh-huh,” while suggesting that you’re already familiar with life’s trivialities and do not need to have things explained to you. Once you’ve become comfortable with “sure” and its usage, you may also substitute “of course.”

3. Deflect Literary Questions

If a particular work of literature comes up in conversation, you may be asked whether you’ve read it. This is quite likely to happen once you have implemented the first two steps, because people will have begun to regard you as a smart person and will look to you for affirmation of their own intelligence and sophistication. When asked, reply in your now-characteristic economical style: “Well, not in English.” You may wish to accompany this remark with a slight snort. This will serve the dual purpose of implying that you are, of course, familiar with the work while deflecting any potentially embarrassing follow-up questions about characters or themes by shaming your questioner with your multilingual abilities.

Even if you are familiar with a particular book, restaurant, or law of physics that comes up in conversation, do not rush to share your knowledge. Remember, say less.

4. Sports as Metaphor

It goes without saying that, as a smart person, you should not appear to be interested in sports. However, it is acceptable to be familiar with this or that sport, as long as it’s for metaphorical purposes. (See the baseball writings of George Will for examples of this technique.) Here is another dialogue to practice:

FRIEND: So, I think Bill’s been seeing that woman from the health food store. You know, Twigs and Berries? So I confronted him about it, and he said I’d driven him to it with my “incessant nagging.”

YOU: Well, the ground can’t cause a fumble.

FRIEND: I’m afraid my marriage is over.

YOU: Sure.

Beware of false promises on your path to seeming smarter. Some instructors will tell you that all you need to do is surround yourself with idiots. This is pure snake oil. Like the nonprescription glasses that were fleetingly popular in the early 1990s, the attempt to seem smarter simply by accessorizing is shortsighted. The same can be said for quick fixes like speed-reading or listening to NPR. You deserve a comprehensive program with lasting results.

I’ll not comment on the presented scenarios. I guess they server their purpose as examples. I expect to hear a lot of SUREs and OF COURSEs in the near future. However, if everyone I know reads this and follows it to the letter, nothing will ever be said due to rule #1.

In any case, at least this serves as a method to spot out people who are only trying to seem “smarter.” You can totally call them on their bullshit. When they say that they didn’t read the book in English, be sure to ask them in what language they read it and have them quote their favorite line. And if you know one sentence in the language, be sure to say it, even if you learned it from the movie Encino Man, “El queso esta viejo y putrido, donde esta el sanitario?” Don’t forget to follow that up with “Betty nugs” and “Weaze the juice.”

I should have written this blog as a counter attack to people only trying to seem smart. Oh well, it’s too late now. I don’t have enough time to really devote to it before I go to the gym. I just can’t bring myself to half ass an entry like that.

I did not copy and paste the entire article here, there’s a bit background info here.

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